I ran across this previous post from last year and wanted to share it again. To update it I want to tell you I mention “What if I never get off medication?” When I wrote it I was in 4 medications. I’m now on 2 and 1/2 and will soon only be on 2. God is getting me there. There is hope. Hang in there.
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 NIV
In the darkness of the night I really didn’t think I could go on anymore. What if I never get off of medication? What if I never get out of therapy? What if my anxiety is always with me?
What if I wake up one morning and can’t wear any of my clothes because I’ve gained so much weight because of the new amount of calories my body wants? What if…?
I had tears streaming down my cheeks onto the pillow and I was hiccupping from crying so much. I finally sat up and put my head in my hands and just kept saying “Why? Why? Why?” Tears continuing to cascade down my face onto my pajamas.
I looked around my darkened bedroom and cried out to God, “Help me! Please! Help me! I can’t take this anymore!” I felt so lost and alone my heart felt like it was breaking in two.
Then, I felt this wave of peace sweep over me. The tears began to dry up and my hiccupping stopped. I wiped my face with my sheet and let out a huge sigh.
Peace. I could feel it. God was with me. “Thank you, God.” I quietly said.
I laid my head back on my pillow and curled up on my side still relishing the peace in my heart. Amazed God had answered. He was with me. Right then, at that very moment.
I relaxed into His presence and then my mind began to wonder…”What if tomorrow…? No, you can’t let yourself think. Rest in God.” I told myself. I bound Satan from me and relaxed back into God’s presence.
I went through this ritual about five times before succumbing to sleep. Waking throughout the night as I often do, but remembering the peace each time, even as I woke from a nightmare, and rested back into the peace to sleep.
The next morning I felt a new hope. Something I cannot quite explain, but I knew God had shown up, and He was still with me.
As I went about my morning routine God began to awaken in me His voice.
“I never left. I’ve always been here. I’m always here with you. You just forget to let me in and allow me to give you what I long for you to have.”
It is true. God hadn’t left. I turned from Him. I tried to get through the trauma, nightmares, depression, anxiety, loneliness on my own.
He was just waiting in the wings for me to call to Him and invite Him to do what He does best. Hold me, give me peace, and allow Him to take care of anything I need.
I am not saying I will not doubt and take things in my hands again. I have already tried again today and let the fear creep in.
The awesome thing about God is it doesn’t matter what we do because He is always there with us. He never leaves us. He’ll help us if we let Him.
He’s just waiting in the wings.
I leave you waiting in the wings so often in life and I need You and Your peace to reign over me. I cannot walk this life alone and I need You. Please walk with me. I’m calling You out of the wings.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.