God and Sexual Assault

The Words

Be alert.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

The words came five years ago, but they have never left my mind. I still remember where I was standing and the look in her eyes. It was in that one moment all of my trust in her was gone and it could never be regained. Sometimes there are things you can forgive, but it doesn’t mean we must trust the person again.

For me it came during a pivotal time in my recovery. I had been living with the head knowledge of my abuse for 6 years and the memories, new and old, continued to envelop me day and night. I was living a nightmare for the second time in my life. I honestly didn’t want to believe it, but it was all real.

I had only been out of the hospital a couple of weeks after my third suicide attempt in 7 months, when the conversation occurred. I shared with her some of my recent memories from flashbacks and nightmares. I was shocked by the response. I did not get a hug, or even a prayer, no instead she said, “Are you sure you are not creating memories in your mind?”

I was stunned. I could not believe someone, especially someone who I know had experienced sexual abuse in her own history would believe I was making things up. Why would anyone do that? Why on earth would I put myself through this torture and the life I’m missing and all the grief I am now bearing to lie? It hurt me so deep by the time I got to the car I couldn’t breathe.

Things have never been the same between us. Like I said, you can forgive, but nothing says we have to trust the person again.

Unknowingly I let Satan take this lie and use it against me throughout the past few years as memories have continued to surface through flashbacks and nightmares. Yesterday when I had a flashback for the first time in a while, I doubted.

Then, my stomach hurt and I felt sick. Denial brings out the physical symptoms. My therapist called me on it. I admitted why I doubted. It was her voice. Again. So I confronted Satan with God and found relief.

The fight with Satan is very real. Satan would like nothing more than to derail our recovery. To make us not useful in God’s Kingdom. Whatever the loophole he tries to enter we cannot let him. We must be on the lookout and in the name of Jesus send him packing.The words

In Jesus’ name the devil is defeated. We cannot give him a foothold. God has bigger plans for us and we can’t let them be eaten by a lion.

Father God,

Thank you for defeating the devil. Please help me be aware of any area where I might be letting him get a foothold in my life. Fill those places with You.

Amen

Where are you letting the devil gain ground in your life? Ask God to take over for you.

© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.

I am a former elementary school teacher who loves God. I am currently in the process of recovering from a childhood of sexual abuse and assaults. I am pursuing God's will for my life right now which involves following various writing endeavors and working on publishing some books. I feel God has led me to write this for my own healing, and to share with others who have been through the trauma of sexual assault.

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