God and Sexual Assault

The Grief and Loss of Mother’s Day

More loss.

With Mother’s Day approaching some may find it a joyful time, but for many it can be a time of grieving and loss. (And men this can apply to Father’s Day too, though my perspective is from a women’s point of view.)

Maybe you are a mother who had an excruciating choice to make when you were faced with memories of your past and a recovery that left you unable to cope with life through no fault of your own. You made the right choice for your children out of unconditional love, but unfortunately they don’t see it that way and you are not as much or even a part of their life.

Maybe your recovery caused serious strain in your relationship with your children as you raised them and they grew up not understanding that abuse and rape done to you as a young child resulted in PTSD. That you only did the best you could and that you and your unconditional love protected them from anything like that ever happening to them.

Maybe you’re like me and because recovery landed in the middle of the prime of your life we lost the chance to marry and to have children or a family. Along with our innocence as young children our future children were taken from us as well. A loss that can only be understood by those experiencing this deep pain. A pain so great it can be indescribable. Just as I cannot imagine the pain of the mother’s described here, or any other circumstances faced in motherhood due to the horrible things done to us.

Wherever you are on the Mother’s Day it all catches up with us again. Sexual assault affects our lives in yet another way.

So on this Mother’s Day know that I understand loss and grief. I hurt with you though we all hurt in different ways. As I long to hold my children in my arms, though it will never come to be. I will have to trust God to fill that void in my life.

As I often do to make sense of life and express my feelings I wrote about my loss. I’m going to share it here with you. I know it may not fit your situation exactly, but I pray it helps you find a measure of peace on this Mother’s Day whatever your circumstances.

 

I long to hold you in my arms, but you will never come to be,

It is not in God’s plan for me, to have you here with me.

I wish it could be different, I wish it could be true,

I long to feel you inside of me, inside my empty womb.

There is no chance for it to happen now, my womb not bare, but gone,

But if you were here with me, I would sing to you a song.

A song that tells of Jesus’ love, and all He plans to do,

In your life and His love for you, in all you say and do.

But it is not in God’s plan for me, to have you here with me,

I long to hold you in my arms, but you will never come to be.

I wish it could be different, I wish it could be true,

I must accept God’s plan for me, and grieve my empty womb.

For when I’m able to grieve for you, then I can show His love,

To all the children waiting, to be loved by me through God.

 

As you grieve your losses, may God comfort you this Mother’s Day.

 

© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.

 

I am a former elementary school teacher who loves God. I am currently in the process of recovering from a childhood of sexual abuse and assaults. I am pursuing God's will for my life right now which involves following various writing endeavors and working on publishing some books. I feel God has led me to write this for my own healing, and to share with others who have been through the trauma of sexual assault.

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