As I lay here tonight in pain, both physically and emotionally, I wonder if my relationship with You will ever be more than “Can you please get me through this? Help me Jesus to make it just one more day. Can You help me with the anxiety and the irrational thoughts that come from my trauma? Can you just heal me so I don’t have to endure the pain? Can you make it all go away?”
Can our relationship be more than me begging for my needs to be met? I know my circumstances are different than someone who hasn’t experienced what I have, and You provide grace for this, but I long to grow deeper with You.
I try to thank You for the things You’ve given me. I know You’ve blessed me. So many days I try to measure up to what I think You want me to be, but I’ll never make it. That’s not what You want but it’s what I continue to try to do. How do I get rid of these expectations I’ve had my whole life? I don’t understand how You don’t have expectations of me.
It doesn’t make sense for You to just love me with no strings attached. That You would love me enough to send Your Son to die for me so that we can spend eternity together in a place so amazing no words can describe it.
I know the pain I’m experiencing is the result of the sin of this world and one day in heaven that will all be gone. That is the hope I hold onto, and tonight I ask You to help me get to a place where our relationship is more than, “Can You just get me through this?” because I know there’s so much beyond what I can begin to imagine.
Help me find my identity in You and not in my circumstances, rules, or people of this world. Fill me with You and Your love so that I have a desire to praise You for who You are and all that you’ve done for me and continue to do for me.
I want You to be all I desire and to have regular conversations with You. I want a love relationship with You God.
Until we talk again…
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.