As I was driving home today I noticed the beautiful trees. During the fall in the Midwest we get to observe the beauty of the changing of leaves from green to red, yellow, and orange. They all blend together to make a beautiful picturesque masterpiece.
It amazes me that God took the time during creation to make different trees so incredibly beautiful for us to enjoy. Then I wonder why I would even consider that He doesn’t want the best for me when He makes trees for us to enjoy for our pleasure.
Imagine how much more He wants for us if He cares for the trees this way. He wants us to enjoy His presence and the wonderful gifts He wants to give to us. His love, mercy, and grace. His plan for each of our lives which includes what He can make out of our lives from what happened to us.
I find all of this hard to comprehend. Love, mercy, grace. God wanting what’s best for me. Anyone wanting what’s best for me.
I have been struggling lately with the future. What is it going to look like? How am I going to provide for myself? Am I going to end up on the street? Will I go back to teaching? What other job can I get? The big question of the week and month, is will I be able to afford insurance and will they offer it to me if they cut out people with pre-existing conditions?
There are so many “what ifs” in my life at the moment because I’m not done working through my trauma so it’s not time for most of these things. Yet it scares me because I want life to move on NOW. I do not want to turn 42 in a month and still be on disability. I want a different life. I am tired of standing still. Which is how I see my recovery.
However, I have to realize “life” IS in this moment. It is each second of each day. My life just happens to be recovery – which is a process – and if I don’t recognize this there never will be a life beyond my trauma. Because if we don’t work through trauma it will affect us forever.
So today I realize I have a choice. Not an easy one. One that I will most likely have to continue to make each and every day. The choice to accept this plan God has for my life, right here, right now, and follow Him. Stop wishing and hoping bad things never happened.
Today I need to choose to live in the moment God has provided for me, take in the beauty He surrounded me with, and believe “He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 …Because if I don’t, I am hindering my recovery and the life God has for me beyond it.
What do you need to do to move forward in recovery today?
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.