“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV
All of us have wounds from our trauma. Many of our wounds are a direct result from the abuse and assaults.
These wounds are what need to heal as we work through the trauma of what happened and journey toward recovery. One wound I have which I have talked about before is my eating disorder, or restricting my food intake.
Other wounds could be nightmares, flashbacks, PTSD, depression, anxiety, fears of the dark or of beds, of noises, or something we do which resulted from our trauma. Just about anything associated with what was done to us is a wound.
Whatever the wound may be they are constant struggles in our lives and a battleground for Satan. Satan would love for these things to derail us from our journey to recovery.
He is trying to use my eating disorder to do this to me right now. I am asking God to help me fight him so I do not give in, but I am struggling.
My doctor’s and nutritionist have decided I do not weigh enough and have had me add calories to my already uncomfortable calorie loaded meal plan. Calories which will make me gain weight, which have already made me gain two pounds.
It started when I gained three pounds without trying. Then my body stopped at that weight. However, I still got hungry. I was tired, irritable, not sleeping well, having trouble doing day to day things. My body needed more nutrients.
Therefore, those who know more than me decided my body wants to weigh more to sustain a livable, healthy, life.
I do not want to accept this. I know in my head what I am supposed to do, but my “wounds” tell me it is not okay to gain weight. I was told too often how fat, ugly, and not pretty I am during my abuse. I was shown pictures of ladies and told I should look like them. I believed them. Lies from Satan.
God understands and knows we are in a battle for our lives, spiritually and sometimes, like me literally with my eating. He wants us to win and trust in Him because He has already won the battle for us.
We just have to accept it.
We need to allow God to heal our wounds. Not just once, but each and every day. Sometimes minute by minute.
I understand it is hard to surrender our will even when we know in our head God knows what is best. I want to be thin. I don’t want to gain weight and have to buy new clothes. I am scared of gaining weight. I am scared of eating more. I am just plain scared.
I know you have your fears too.
My therapist today reminded me I need to accept the body God wants me to have as the body God wants me to minister with in this world. It is so much easier said than done after all we’ve been through in this life.
However, as it says in Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
God is in this fight with us.
To help us through all our wounds.
He will keep renewing our strength until we soar.
This journey is hard and long. It comes with many wounds and I cannot bear them alone. Please provide me with the strength to make it each day with You. Heal my wounds and my heart.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.