“‘Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” Jeremiah 33:6 NIV
If you haven’t read my first post about my eating disorder I encourage you to read it first: https://susanmclabaugh.com/2017/10/24/starving-for-love-living-with-an-eating-disorder/
You know my background by now. I am a sexual abuse and assault survivor, I have PTSD, MDD, anxiety, DDNOS, I can be codependent, and I have an eating disorder.
Most likely you have your own can of alphabet soup which resulted from being sexually assaulted. We are all on this journey, but we are at different places.
Recently I had long talks with my nutritionist and therapist about my eating, or lack of eating out. The lack of socialization.
It is hard to socialize when you are a sexual assault survivor because of the issues we face. The “triggers” and topics people bring up or for some, ignore. Sometimes people say things which bring old hurts and memories back to us, but sometimes people ignore what happened to us too.
Catch twenty-two is what I call it. I have begun to realize I need to allow God to help me socially. I need Him to lead the way because I am lost. It is hard to find friends when you have our history.
Many don’t want to acknowledge what happened or listen, some do listen and try to empathize with us. Then we ourselves need to also realize our lives don’t need to revolve around our trauma.
Everything we do does not need to be about what happened to us. Can you make it through a movie without commenting about something which happened to you? Can you simply enjoy it for what it is? Do you feel you need to remind people all the time what happened to you?
It’s okay to let it go for a while. To live. I know it is hard, especially when you are in the middle of working through hard trauma and memories of the past. It seems to be constantly on your mind. Believe me I am there with you on this journey and I know how you feel.
I also know now, life cannot revolve around it. I need God to help me start finding my way in life. For me, part of this involves my trauma because He wants me to share my experiences with others through writing, but I have started changing other parts of my life. I work at my church’s food pantry twice a month, and I tutor students in reading.
However, the other things I’m dealing with, like my eating disorder, have things I can, with God’s help also begin to change.
Last night, after much encouragement, prayer, and support from my nutritionist, therapist, and a friend who was understanding of my needs, I went out to eat at a restaurant for the first time in 2 and ½ years.
Sure, I still calculated my calories and figured out what to order before I went, but I went and we enjoyed ourselves, and I didn’t panic over all the people being in the restaurant. A huge step in my eating disorder journey. In my trauma journey.
Last night showed me something I have been unable to fully see. Though I have been dealing with my trauma for over 9 years, and still have a long way to go with it and with my eating disorder, God is healing me. He has been healing me.
I would not have made it this far if He had not been healing me all along. God has never left my side. He is at work. He doesn’t care about my can of alphabet soup. He defines me. I am His child. So are you.
I know how hard it is to realize what God is doing in your life, but stop today and take a look back over the past few years, or months. What is different? How has your life changed? How are you different than you were when you started your journey however long ago? If you don’t know ask God for help to see.
Then, ask God to help you to heal from whatever you need healing from today, and each day from today forward.
Our God is a powerful God ready to bring healing to you in your journey.
Are you willing to accept it today?
Many days it is hard to see Your healing in my life. I am too close to the situation to see it. Please open my eyes to Your healing and continue it in my life as I travel this journey through recovery. I claim Your power as Your child.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.