“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)
I have had many new memories come to light the last few months. Sometimes daily, even two or three a day. It has been overwhelming.
I went for so long without many memories coming up and now it’s like a deluge. There are so many even my therapist wonders why God has chosen this time to reveal so much to me.
It makes me wonder about God. Have you ever heard the poem “Footprints?” The one about you looking behind you and you can only see one set of footprints and God says it is when He is carrying you?
Well what about when you can’t see the footprints at all, or can’t feel God? What then? I know as humans we want the “feeling” and God isn’t just a “feeling”, He is God, but sometimes we need to know He is here with us. So what do we do when we can’t see His footprints?
I know I am struggling to see his footprints right now, and have been for some time. Yet, His word tells me He is here.
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139:7-10 (NIV)
There are times I know He is here because He shows me through providing what I need. Times when I release my anxiety to Him and He takes it from me and I feel the delivery from bondage.
Yet, many times I can’t see His footprints. Where is God? Is He here with me in this horrible mess of memories coming up every day?
Has He been with me the past 9 years as I’ve walked a road of being in and out of psychiatric hospitals, attempted suicide, and skipped church for years?
Today, although at times I do question it, I want to answer yes. He was, He is, He will always be, here. God sent Jesus to walk with us and the Holy Spirit to intercede for us. He must be here with me, and He is there with you. I want to believe God is with us.
I’m wondering if it does not matter whether or not we can see His footprints. I’m realizing God doesn’t always leave a tangible sign He is here with us.
Sometimes, He wants to be with me and I try to turn Him away. I am angry He let things happen, or tired of living a life which didn’t turn out like I had hoped. So in these times He will not force Himself on us, but He will patiently wait for us to call to Him.
Lately, as these memories have been returning so rapidly, I have asked, “God where are You? Why are you letting this happen now? Why did you let it happen then? Why?”
I have no answers to the questions. Except for this; He must be working. He told me to write this blog and I obeyed.
It may not have many followers, but as I’m writing this today it has reached over 37 other countries besides the United States. Sometimes only once. Sometimes more.
If He can use the ugly, horrible, unspeakable things done to me to speak His love to others then I want Him to. I do not want what happened to me to be in vain. I may have been through hell on earth, but I will let God use me to reach others with the message of His love.
Lately, I also have been asking for help and guidance I need at the moment to get through the hour, day, or week.
The response I get is a quiet whisper in my heart…”Do you trust me?”
Do I? I need to. He’s been providing for me very consistently and showing me He is here. So most days I quietly answer back to Him, “Yes, I’m trying to trust You.”
Then I remember He has been answering my pleas and maybe those are His footprints. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough or maybe He wants me to trust more by believing without seeing.
None of us may ever understand why we can’t see His footprints, but as we pray today let’s remember God is here with us. He wants to be with us and He loves us. Even when we can’t see His footprints.
I can’t always feel You or see evidence You are near. Please help me grow closer to You and keep the lines of communication open with You as I continue on this journey of recovery and beyond. Help me when I cannot see Your footprints. Allow me to have faith to believe without seeing.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.