“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV
Do you ever wonder where God is?
This morning I had a psychiatrist appointment and needed encouragement. Instead I got pushed. I’m not doing enough with my life. I need to be out more doing things not letting the trauma overtake my life. How do you do that when you have nightmares every night and new memories of the abuse and rapes every day?
This is the absolute worst time of year for me. These next three weeks are incredibly hard. With Christmas and the end of another year – another year gone out of my life.
I needed encouragement this morning and I didn’t get any. I needed someone to tell me you’re doing okay. You’re making it through without being in the hospital since June of 2015 and you’re reliving more than you have even before then. You’re doing great!
I didn’t hear any of that. I heard you need to get out more. Do more. With my eating disorder I can’t go out to eat with people, plus I have eating restrictions because of a bladder condition I have and can’t eat most foods at restaurants. What do most people like to do to socialize? Go out to eat.
Last week I finally made it out to a crafter’s group on Saturday and I was miserable because there was food there all over the place and one of the ladies argued with me over everything I said. Nothing I did was right. I tried and failed.
I’m planning on helping serve Christmas dinner to the community, to people who have nowhere else to go. I’ve planned out my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I won’t be alone. I thought I was doing pretty good to get that done.
I’m trying to make plans for the two weeks I won’t be able to see my therapist. My therapist, who hasn’t been as readily available lately anyway to give out encouragement and be there either. Do to unforeseen and out of his control circumstances in his life. Life happens. I don’t blame him. It’s just how it is. However, I need the support.
My usual friend who goes through what we’ve been through hasn’t been around either because she has her own issues to deal with. I’m not blaming her either. She needs to deal with her own things, but she’s not available to support me either. I try to support her, but she’s pretty distant so I stay away.
So I’m alone and where is God?
On my way home from the psychiatrist I stopped at a Christian bookstore. I bought a couple things including this little card to help remind me God will take care of me. It says:
“God Will Take Care of You”
“May your heart find peace and comfort in the knowledge that you are never alone. God is your stronghold, and with Him as your guide, you need never be afraid. Cast all your cares on Him…and believe.” By: Linda E. Knight
I don’t know if you are feeling like I am today, or this week, but we can cling to the fact, whether we feel it or not, we are never alone.
I am struggling with where You are right now. I know I should believe You are right here with me, but I feel alone and abandoned. Please show me you are near and wrap me in your loving arms. Help me remember You will take care of me.
© Susan M. Clabaugh 2017 All Rights Reserved