“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
Trust. I am still struggling with trust. I wrote about it not too long ago, and it’s still a big issue. Who can I trust? Why should I trust? How can I trust God more? What if I trust Him and He doesn’t provide the way I want Him to?
I need a very consistent schedule. I need to know when and where I will be doing things. When this is messed with I struggle with anxiety. I question whether things will work out. My mind goes in different directions and sometimes even takes off into scenarios which are completely unrealistic.
The lack of trust, need for things to always be OK, and the anxiety when they don’t, all come from my abuse. I disassociated my abuse when it was happening so I actually went around like a somewhat normal child and teenager when I wasn’t being abused. If you had asked me if I was being abused I would have said “No.” because I didn’t recall it. It would happen and I would block it out.
Except I would begin to do things, unknowingly to protect myself. Wrap myself in my bedding at night. Watch the clock after school and when I went to bed. Try to rush through going to the bathroom before anyone could pick the lock and get in. I didn’t trust anyone to protect me.
I didn’t know God back then, though I prayed to Him to help me. Which is most likely why I question Him now. I prayed for the abuse to stop and it didn’t.
What makes me think God will answer my prayers now? Why should I trust God now?
I know in my heart God did not want me to be sexually abused and assaulted. It was the free will of my abusers and their sin which caused my pain and the pain I still experience. Sin. Evil.
Yet, I still struggle to trust God. This week especially I am struggling to trust He is going to work things for His good like He promises in Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all tings God work for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” NIV
Yesterday, I found myself testing God again. A really silly test. I use a website called Swagbucks.com to help me earn points to get gift cards which help me buy my weekly necessities.
It helps my cash flow and allows me to give back to others as well. Since I’m on disability I wouldn’t have this choice if I didn’t get this extra money from Swagbucks and some weeks it’s actually what allows me to buy what I need when my budget doesn’t allow.
It has various ways you earn points. Videos, special offers, and surveys are the main ways. I mainly do surveys. They are fun, easy, and earn quick points. I don’t like to spend too much time each day on the site because then it wouldn’t be profitable. So, yesterday I prayed a silly prayer as I clicked on a survey, since sometimes you don’t qualify.
My trust was lacking and I prayed, “God if you let this survey work the first time I know you’ll work out this situation I’m scared of right now. I’ll know I can trust you.” Similar to what I did last time with the computer program. Yeah, I know, testing God again, but He’s God, He can handle it.
I clicked on the survey and started it. Fifteen minutes later I finished it and had my points. First try, it worked, he answered my prayer, and I said “Okay God, I’ll do my best to trust you with this whole thing.”
Honestly, I expected something to happen today, but it didn’t and now I’m struggling again with my trust in God.
My constant prayer is, “God I need help trusting you.”
This journey we are on is long, hard, and rough. We need God with us. We need to trust in Him. I know how hard it is, and I’m struggling with it too. Let’s pray together for God to help us trust Him on this journey.
I need you to help me trust you. I don’t know much about trust, but I want to trust you. I long to be able to place all my anxiety in You and allow You to lead the way. Please help me trust in You on this journey of recovery.
Here’s the link to Swagbucks if you want to give it a try. http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/Suze1976
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.