“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
I’m tired of being alone, but I’m too anxious to do anything about it. I am tutoring one student once a week, and I work at my church’s food pantry twice a month for two hours a week. Besides my therapist and nutritionist appointments, weekly errands, and church; I don’t get out. I have no one to do things with when I do. I go alone to my appointments, to run errands and to church. I only see my tutoring student when I tutor, and I see maybe a handful of people at the food pantry.
Yet, it is all I can handle. My anxiety, my PTSD, from my abuse, is too much to tolerate. I tried going to a writer’s conference a couple weeks ago. It was a Thursday night, 11 hours on Friday, and 11 hours on Saturday. It took me a week to recover. Much more than I’m used to. Plus, taking in all the information overloaded my slow brain, which is filled with trauma.
I cried myself to sleep every night and broke down on the way home Saturday, with one of the ladies not understanding my need to talk about why I was not doing okay. I was shut down from letting out what I needed to. Another reason I stay away from people. They don’t want to deal with the melt downs when they happen and we can’t handle our lives.
They don’t want us to be unhappy. If I tell someone I’m feeling down I get an “I’m sorry.” Which is not comforting. More disheartening, realizing yet another person doesn’t want to walk this hard road with me. They don’t wish to come on the inside of the “mess” where the memories lie, and the hard stuff comes out. Where I could make their lives unhappy, and possibly make them see what they are not dealing with themselves.
We must realize this is the main reason people avoid those of us who have been abused and are facing it head on. Others are hiding their pasts, hiding from the pain, trying to put on a happy face and a happy life. Inside they are as broken as we are, yet fail to admit it. They may have been abused like us, and don’t want the reminder, or they don’t want the reminder of past hurts in their lives.
God never expected us to live this life alone. He put others around to support us. Yet where are they and how do we find them? I have searched the churches, and tried friendships. I have one person who understands me at times because she is in the same boat we are in right now.
My birthday is on the 28th of this month and last year I turned 40. I got 3 cards. No one else called, or remembered. 40 is supposed to be a milestone. It was. A milestone of how low my life can get.
I know these meditations are supposed to be encouraging and lifting you up, but I also want to be real with you. I am not perfect. I am going through recovery from my abuse just like you. I trust God to lead me in my writing and in my life. I do not understand why I am in the wilderness right now. I can only trust God will bring me through. He has never left me before, and He will never leave you. This is one thing I can promise.
So today I will pray for guidance, strength, and endurance to forge through this season of loneliness. Because nothing can separate us from the love of God.
I invite you to join me because God wants to surround all of us with His love.
I feel so alone sometimes I wonder where you are even though I know You are right here with me. Please give me strength to endure this season of loneliness and show me the way out. When I feel so alone I cannot take it anymore, surround me with Your love and wrap Your arms around me so I know You are enough.
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.