“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
Recently the city I live in was shocked by the sudden death of a 17 year old girl who chose to take her own life. Her family says she suffered from depression. My heart and prayers go out to her family, but also to the girl. I know exactly how she was feeling.
In light of this recent event I felt it was time to share my story and provide insight into the mind of someone who wants to end it all.
There have been times when I believe God must have made a mistake when He created me. Why create someone, allow them to spend their childhood being sexually assaulted, let them block it out, earn a Master’s degree in teaching, teach for almost 11 years and then strip it all away? All her dreams of marriage, children, a job, and even friends. There must have been a mistake.
I tried to fix what I thought was the mistake more than once. I tried to commit suicide, when, to me, all hope was lost. I came out alive, all three times. Yes, three. Amazingly with no long term affects. “Why?” I would ask God, “Why did you save me? There is nothing here on earth for me but pain and shattered dreams.”
What goes through the mind of someone who wants to end it all? More than anyone can ever imagine. You are very depressed. Beyond what you can even explain to anyone, even your therapist or psychiatrist.
You’re tired of when people ask how you are, and saying, “I’m fine.” Because when you answer with anything else they run away or tell you platitudes like, “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll be better soon.” How do you know? Do you live inside my head? Do you organize the chemicals in my brain which at this very moment are working against me?
Depression is a serious mental illness. YES, it IS a mental illness. One our society likes to try to put a band aide on and move on. When I was depressed I needed friends, therapists, my psychiatrist, family, church members, and anyone else on my side. Yet, when you are depressed you push people away, and when those you love let you push them away it is a recipe for trouble.
I had an agreement to be honest with my psychiatrist and therapist about my suicidal thoughts and to call my therapist or go to the hospital if I needed to. However, when you want to end it all the last thing you want is for someone to talk you out of it.
I live alone so the first time I decided to kill myself I simply came home and went straight to it. I’m not going to reveal how, because I don’t want to give anyone any ideas.
The first time was August of 2013. I can’t even remember what exactly I did or how it all came together. The days which followed I am told I had seizures and was in and out of consciousness in the hospital. The first twenty-four hours they tell me they watched my brain to see if I was going to make it.
A week later I was released and sent to a psychiatric hospital. The only medical issues I had was a very infected and inflamed arm from an infiltrated IV being in so long. It took months to heal. That was all. No organ damage, no brain damage. Nothing. God saved me.
However, after an intensive inpatient and outpatient therapy program and continuing to see my psychiatrist and therapist, on Christmas Day I lost it emotionally. I came home from my parent’s house and tried again to kill myself.
I spent another week in the hospital, this time I ended up with possible liver damage which I took medicine for and a pulmonary embolism in my lung right by my heart. A blood clot ready to kill me at any moment. One wrong move and I was dead.
Yet, after a week I was released to another psychiatric hospital again with no affects to my liver after all, and the clot was broken up. I did have oxygen level problems for a couple of months so I carried oxygen with me and had it on at home, but it got better and I was fine. Once again, God saved me.
I repeated inpatient and outpatient therapy and continued to see my psychiatrist and therapist, both of whom were extremely concerned about me. Yet, in March of 2014 I still was very depressed and one day I tried again to end my life, only this time I stopped half way through and called 911. I realized, “What am I doing?” God has saved me twice already. So I begged God to save me a third time. He did, with no affects yet again to my body.
Those were not the only times I have had suicidal thoughts over the years. They are the only times I have acted on them seriously. To me, there was no hope. I was too depressed.
NOTHING ANYONE WOULD HAVE SAID OR DID COULD HAVE CHANGED MY MIND.
Understand what I just said. I was so depressed, NOTHING could have changed my mind. Unless someone knew enough about how depressed I was to put me into a psychiatric hospital, which had happened before these incidents, to stop me from trying to end my life, I would have done it anyway.
I saw no hope. I knew God had made a mistake with me. I could not go on. When you are in a true deep depression, NOT JUST SAD, a true mental illness depression, life can seem hopeless. But it’s not. I promise.
I thank God every day for saving me. I now know he has bigger plans for me, one being these meditations.
I urge you if you feel this depressed to call 911, or Call 1-800-273-8255 the National Suicide hotline and talk to someone. There IS HOPE. I PROMISE. YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.
GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. What you went through does not mean you are a mistake and does not mean there is no hope. You have survived the worst, the assaults. You may need medication, or a new medication, a different therapist, or a therapy program. Hospitalization. Just because I did not die does not mean you will not die if you try to kill yourself.
Whatever you need, GOD LOVES YOU. HE HAS PLANS FOR YOU. Psalm 136 says “…all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” God knows your days, not you or me.
Trust me, I have been in your shoes if you’re reading this and you feel there is no hope. Call the numbers, call someone and tell them your plan. Talk. Let it all out. You WILL feel better. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Will you please take the step today to get help with your depression? God will walk with you. I will be praying for you. Pray this prayer.
Please help me call for help. I need help to get out of this deep depression I am in today. I cannot do it without you.
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.