“So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith.” Galatians 3:26 (NIV)
I was extremely close to my grandparents. In September of 2008 my grandpa suddenly became ill. Technically we’d already lost him to Alzheimer’s disease because he did not know us anymore, but he would always smile and enjoy our visits at the Care Center.
He died September 10, 2008 around 11:30 p.m. I was holding his hand. I was devastated, but comforted He was finally whole again with Jesus.
I was always very close to my grandpa. He was a wonderful Christian man who constantly believed in me and called me “his girl”. We laid him to rest 9 years ago tomorrow.
It was around this time my physical symptoms started. I began to lose weight. I wasn’t hungry. I had no interest in anything. The doctor played it off as depression (not to say it wasn’t to some extent) and gave me a mild anti-depressant. Still, I kept getting worse. So I switched doctors.
For the next year I endured a barrage of tests ranging from testing me for mononucleosis, rheumatoid arthritis to crohn’s disease. Many sexual assault survivors find the same thing happens to them. Sometimes soon after, or like me, years later.
I blocked out what happened to me after the sexual assaults stopped. A common reaction our bodies and minds execute to protect us. However, when there is trauma stored inside one’s body it will eventually surface in some form. Mine came in the form of physical ailments.
Lately, I have been feeling some of these ailments again. Partially because I’m still working through the trauma, and partially because I’m fighting depression. Both common for sexual assault survivors.
I know now nothing is physically wrong. It is the trauma from the sexual assaults. The depression, anxiety, and complex PTSD. The physical part will go away as I deal with the truth and face what happened to me and if needed change some medication.
Yet, I find myself thinking about my grandpa since it is September. I no longer get to hear that I’m “his girl” anymore. Many days, maybe due to the depression, I feel I belong to no one. However, God reminds me this is not true.
He reminds me I belong to Him. I am His child. He is the only one I need to belong to. We are children of God. Loved, cherished, and He is just waiting to hold us and love on us.
I know I need Him to love on me. Will you let Him love on you and begin the restoration of your soul?
I know I still have a long way to go to work through everything in my life triggered by the sexual assaults. Hold on to me so I do not fall too deep into depression. Love me as your child and hold me close. Begin restoring my soul.
© 2017 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.